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Sniffer dogs, cats and other suggestions to hasten our pursuit of modern utopia

Recent reports that festival-goers were denied entry to Above & Beyond by NSW Police, despite testing negative for carrying drugs, has sent the media and general populace into a frenzy. Accusations of a fascist agenda have been made and it’s looking more and more likely that the case will end up in the courts.

To ease fears, bolster morale and once again prove our steadfast allegiance to our proud nation, we have assembled a list of suggestions that we believe could play an important role in restoring peace and order.

sniffer dogs happy mag

Photo: Reuters

Replace all festivals with restivals

It’s been clear for decades that the music going public of Australia have become frustrated by festivals. Past festival behemoths such as Big Day Out and Soundwave have fallen by the wayside. However, the unqualified success of recent lock-out laws can be used to light the way to a brighter future.

If we replace the music with silence, the alcohol with kombucha and the venues with high rise apartments we will be left with a new vibrant pastime; sitting on our asses watching Youtube clips in our overpriced apartments. You can even invite your friends. Restivals, baby.

Bring in cats to police the sniffer dogs

We all know that dogs are beautiful companions. They possess powerful noses and a agreeable disposition that makes them easily trainable. However, this very disposition makes them prone to corruption and manipulation by outside forces, such as humans. If we are to guarantee that our sniffer dogs are kept honest we need to ask the same question that famous graphic novelist Alan Moore did back in 1986: who watches the watchmen?

In these circumstances the best solution is obvious. We need to reinforce our animal workforce with greater diversity. The animosity between cats and dogs is well documented and could be exploited to great effect. And while we haven’t conducted any prior research, it seems unlikely that they will prove any less effective than the 80% failure rate our sniffer dogs are currently reported to operate at.

Introduce the “Death Van”

Some might say that we Australians know a thing or two about crime and punishment. It’s practically written into our DNA considering our shared cultural heritage. We have also demonstrated an uncommon and rare talent for creative solutions to human rights “issues”. If we consider this, it is somewhat perplexing that we haven’t already implemented this suggestion. However, our esteemed neighbours, and eventual landlords, The People’s Republic of China have volunteered to show us the way.

In operation for almost a decade, these crafty and convenient vehicles are the very definition of swift justice. Much like Judge Dredd they can perform the role of judge, jury and executioner; at least when teamed with our newly recruited Drug Detection Unit of cats and dogs. This combination would surely prove a more effective deterrent than our current methods. I mean this setup, along with it’s fatal consequences, makes being banned from Sydney Olympic Park for six months look like the blessing that it is.

Photo: Sniff Off

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

Maybe we have spent far too much time and energy on this war on drugs. Maybe it’s not even the war on drugs that is the issue here, but the vilification of certain demographics within our community. Sniffer dogs are being used as justification to profile and punish individuals without due process.

It is terrifying that socialism is increasingly being seen as a dirty word while fascist ideals infiltrate our Government agencies. Sometimes the best way forward is unclear and difficult to grasp. However, this issue feels clear cut; we aren’t a lynching mob that operates on hearsay.

Let’s restore order and stop acting like it.

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June 15, 2018

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