Adelaide trio Horror My Friend are touring on the back of their brilliant debut album Stay In, Do Nothing. Rather than do the same old interview, we decided to play a fun ‘choose your own adventure’ style game with the band. We proudly present, The Horror of Horror My Friend: The Curse of Blackwire Records.
HAPPY: Alright gentlemen, so I spent an hour when I was supposed to be working making up this ridiculous game. I hope you dig it, so let’s jump in! And if you get through alive you’ll win some very special prizes. I will set the scenario, and you guys pick the adventure and play yourselves in the story. There about 12 different endings.
JOSH: This is already the best interview we’ve ever done.
SAM: Oh, I wanted to play Josh, but I’ll settle with myself.
HAPPY: Here it is; The band have just rocked up to the gig and want a drink. The sketchy looking bar keep pulls three beers, but one of them is actually a potion that will transform the drinker into a werewolf.
A die is rolled and Tom is picked as the unfortunate victim
Tom, you’ve gotten the very shifty drink and will soon begin undergoing a harrowing transformation.
TOM: Is it pingas?
HAPPY: What do you do? Go to the hospital, or try find the antidote behind the bar after the barmen runs away?
SAM: That’s easy, bar (laughs). We have to find the antidote.
SAM: On the off chance you die, well, that’s the risk we take.
TOM: Well if I die we can hopefully get big from that, you know? Like when someone dies then they become a classic band…
JOSH: Option C, we do nothing (laughs).
SAM: It would be way more fun looking behind the bar for an antidote.
JOSH: And what if the hospital aren’t able to cure you?
SAM: We’re better off finding the antidote for you.
TOM: What is even happening to me?
HAPPY: You might be transforming into something very soon.
TOM: Antidote. Let’s find the antidote.
HAPPY: The barman has dashed behind a secret door behind the bar, and you follow in the hopes of finding the antidote. Suddenly you find that where he escaped is a secret room that leads into a basement. Do you go in or go back?
HAPPY: Good, because if you didn’t you would have died. You continue down the tunnel until you reach a fork in the road. On the left you hear the maniacal laughter of the bartender. On the right you hear the shrieks of a woman. Which path do you take?
SAM: Oooohh, shriek.
JOSH: Tom’s in danger, we don’t have time to save other people.
SAM: They’re both kinda curious.
TOM: The laughter? Because we’re funny guys?
JOSH: We should help people out, we’re nice polite boys. We should help this person out.
SAM: Wait, how do we know they’re shrieking from danger?
JOSH: It could be she slipped on her way back from the bathroom.
SAM: It could be a trap.
TOM: It’s definitely a trap.
JOSH: It’s a trap.
SAM: Nah let’s do it, shrieking woman!
HAPPY: Despite Tom’s worsening condition you choose to come to the aid of this mysterious damsel.
TOM: Well, Sam’s always keen (laughs).
HAPPY: Emerging from the tunnel you find yourselves in a forest. You see a young woman being attacked by a werewolf. Do you help or flee?
SAM: (long pause) Ahhhh, I guess it’s help then (laughs). Well it’s three on one…
TOM: I’m the one dying and I want to help her.
SAM: No, no I’ll help! I’m sure there’s a big stick around here somewhere.
HAPPY: You have an option of weapons now; bats with silver nails stuck in them or silver axes.
TOM: What would you do with a bat?
SAM: Yeah, but silver is really deadly to a werewolf.
TOM: Then axes would be even more effective. How long is the bat?
SAM: Oh sorry, sorry! I was thinking like bats! Like the flying bats, and you’d whisper in the ear “Go over there” and they’d stick the nails in our enemies.
JOSH: Yeah I thought you meant we were putting nails into this poor creature.
HAPPY: You attack with axes and slay the beast. Well done.
SAM: But Tom is still dying.
TOM: But at least my final act is to save someone else.
HAPPY: But you just killed what you will become. The maiden thanks you, and after hearing your predicament offers to lead you to a haunted house to find answers. Do you follow?
JOSH: Wait, what was she doing there in the first place? This feels like another trap.
TOM: Let’s do it. Just do it.
SAM: Well it would be a bit weird if she wants to repay you for saving her life and you’re like “Nah, we’ll just hang out here for a bit“.
TOM: While I’m dying. Let’s go over.
HAPPY: Oh man…
TOM: What? We died didn’t we?
HAPPY: As you reach the house a van pulls up and men in suits chuck you in. You’ve been kidnapped.
HAPPY: You’ve been taken to the hospital…
SAM: (laughs) we should’ve just taken option C!
TOM:We’ve gone back around! Fuck!
HAPPY: You don’t know if they’re friend or foe. Maybe they’re trying to help you.
TOM: Are these guys just taking me to fight other werewolves and shit, because I don’t think I’m in any state to make those decisions.
HAPPY: The van stops and you get out. Do you run, or gamble on it in the hope they’re actually here to save you.
HAPPY:You fucken leg it away from the suits. You turn a corner and meet an old man. He offers to help cure Tom. Do you accept?
JOSH: Yeah, I mean what to do we got to loose at this point?
SAM: Alright let’s do it.
HAPPY: You walk into his secret lab and he declares he will use his machine to strip Tom of his werewolf powers by strapping him to a machine. Do you agree to the procedure?
SAM: Yeah, coz he’s quietly dying anyway. It’s been hilarious.
TOM: It’s what I’ve been waiting for my whole life, to be strapped to a machine by a stranger.
SAM: By a random old man?
TOM: Yeah it’s my dream.
HAPPY: The experiment begins, and the old man declares he’s stealing Tom’s powers for himself! Who knows what he will do with them? Will you allow it to continue?
SAM: So he’s taking all of Tom’s werewolf powers?
TOM: YES, let him do it.
SAM: And we still have the axe.
HAPPY: Actually you don’t.
JOSH: Nah we still have them, we decided to keep them since they were pretty handy last time (laughs).
SAM: (laughs) yeah we’re just changing the story!
TOM: Let him do it, let him have it!
JOSH: Wait, does Tom die from the experiment?
HAPPY: You all die. He takes the powers, becomes a werewolf and kills you all in the confusion.
HAPPY: I will allow you one rewind if you choose to take it.
SAM: So we say no and stop the experiment.
TOM: Man fuck that guy, he was supposed to help me!
HAPPY: Unfortunately, Tom turns into a werewolf. Can you give me your best werewolf impression?
TOM: Ahhughhh. That’s all I’ve got (laughs).
JOSH: He’s a really depressed werewolf.
TOM: I’m just a little annoyed that this has happened.
SAM: You can be like that film with Rhys Darby in it, What We Do In The Shadows, “We’re werewolves, not swear-wolves!”
HAPPY: Tom has now killed the scientist. Josh, Sam, do you want to kill Tom now and protect the world from his wolf-ness, or will you keep him as a pet? Like Shaun of the Dead!
SAM: Yeah, yeah that sounds good. As long as he can still play Play Station.
TOM: Wait who’s house am I staying at? Do you take me for walks?
JOSH: Is he a wolf forever or just a regular werewolf?
HAPPY: He’s a regular, three night a month werewolf.
JOSH: Oh that’s okay. We can keep him then.
HAPPY: Bear in mind he’s a werewolf right now and has no memory of you.
JOSH: Nah we’ll keep him, he’s alright.
SAM: Yeah let’s keep him.
HAPPY: He kills you both.
HAPPY: And Tom lives on as a werewolf.
TOM: Yes I win!
HAPPY: You live out your days with the guilt that you’ve murdered your band mates. And so concludes The Horror of Horror My Friend: The Curse of Blackwire Records
SAM: I have to say, this whole experience has changed my relationship with you Tom. Now that this fictional story has come to life.
JOSH: Yeah, we chose to save you and you killed us!
TOM: Well I was driven insane, I probably necked myself later.
SAM: Will you change your musical direction after this?
TOM: Yeah the band will become this place where I can express my PTSD. I’m just going to watch Prisoner of Azkaban over and over again.